Children and Chores Part 2
Why Kids (and Spouses) don’t help with chores
Reason #1: Their way isn’t the right way.
I read a Tweet recently that went something like this: “I told my spouse that the dishwasher was loaded incorrectly. I am now and forever the dishwasher loader.” Yep. That sounds about right. If you constantly critique the way that a child (or spouse) completes a task, they won’t do it anymore. No one likes to be on the receiving end of criticism. Let’s think about this in terms of getting shoes and socks on. No one should care if you put on both socks and then your shoes or if you do one sock and then then one shoe, then the other sock and the other shoe. What they care about is that you have shoes on! Right? Let the help be helpful. Don’t micromanage.
I see your skeptical face. The one that says, but they are not very good at the task! I know. They are still learning. And learning means messing up and sometimes redoing the task. So it is going to take some coaching and feedback for a while. While giving feedback, make sure to give specific praise for the things they have mastered. For example, I really liked the way you remembered that the plastic things go on the top rack so they don’t melt.
Remember, they are in the process of learning. If the dishwasher is loaded with cups in the top rack facing up as if to gather rain, that needs correction. If yesterday’s baby cereal wasn’t soaked, there’s no way that’s coming clean in the dishwasher. It will just spread around and stick to everything else making a giant mess. Make sure to tell them about the baby cereal. Everyone must know the consequences of baby cereal.
Reason #2: They do not know how.
This one can be tricky. We say things to kids (and spouses) all the time with out really thinking about what we are asking. For example, “clean your room.” For most adults as soon as you read those words, you had a plan in mind. For kids, that doesn’t happen. They need step by step guidance until they build that internal plan. Now, I do not know about you, but I do not have time in my life to supervise every task my children do. And even if I did have all that time, I wouldn’t do it. Kids need to learn how to be independent. So what’s the solution? Checklists!
I love a good checklist. There is something satisfying about crossing off the items and moving along until it is complete. Especially when the list has a finite number of items. Unlike to-do lists…. those things never end… As a little freebie, I have included a FREE copy of my Room Cleaning Checklist!
Looking for even more? Check out the Ignition Online Store for bundles of other checklists available (PDF and editable format) for download.
Reason #3: Everyone is too busy and overscheduled
I have a thing about people being overscheduled. Kids (and therefore parents) are in so many activities that even doing something like homework or paying bills can be hard to find enough time to complete. It is important to teach kids to rest, how to have constructive down time, and how to prioritize self care and home tasks. Make sure that when you are looking at your weekly calendar to are accounting for unscheduled tasks (i.e. chores, homework, sleep, rest, play etc.)
Chores take time. They take focused time. Read that as real time. Especially when kids are learning and perfecting a skill. That means that the chore will take longer for your child to do it than it will take for you to do it. You might even have to do it together. Which will take an eternity. Just kidding. It will feel like an eternity because you can do it faster alone. I know. I struggle with it too. But, kids need to learn, so endure, my friend. endure.
No one can do a quality job in insufficient time. If our boss did it to us, we’d be annoyed. Let’s not do that to our kids.
Reason #4: It’ll get done eventually. Nothing will happen if they don’t do it.
This issue is often a combination of all of the above with an extra spicy dash of parental fatigue. We’ve all lived through a time when it is the end of the day and you’ve already asked someone to do the task five times and it STILL isn’t done. Or you asked, and the child (or spouse) ran out of time before they sprinted out the door to their next activity. Whatever the case may be, you asked, they didn’t do it, and it needs to be done. So you do it. Maybe in the moment you think you are doing them a favor. Or maybe you are doing it because if you ask one more time, you know you will use your yelling voice. No one likes the yelling voice.
No matter what the intent is when we do the task for the other person, the lesson they just learned is “If I don’t do it, someone else will.” Translation: I never have to do it ever again. Yikes. That’s not what we were setting out to do. At least… I don’t think that’s what you had planned. So, what’s the solution?
The easiest solution is leave it for them to do! Even if the task gets bigger as a consequence. Like they had to do a sink load of dishes last night, but now they have last night’s dinner dishes and the breakfast dishes and it will take longer. Yup. That stinks…for them! Tasks often get bigger the longer you wait. It is better to teach them to address things as they come up when the consequences are small (20 minutes extra on dishes) instead of huge (that leak they didn’t address and now the wall has to be replaced due water damage).
There are some chores that just have to be done when you see them. There is no waiting for the person to get around to it. A good example is a cat litterbox. If it isn’t taken care of the cats go off to find a more suitable bathroom. And I can tell you from experience… that new bathroom is seldom in the bathroom. Is it usually on someone brand new suede jacket or favorite pillow. Ick.
For these circumstances I suggest setting up consequences for undone chores before it happens. for instance you can do a chore replacement. Here are some examples:
I took out the trash so you have to wash the baseboards
I cleaned the litter box for you so you need to wash the trash cans
Hopefully you get the idea. They didn’t do the task they were assigned, so you give them a task no one want to do.
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