Finding Appropriate Consequences
Let’s talk about consequences. The word consequence can sound negative but it really is a neutral term. A consequence just means an outcome and many consequences are actually positive. For example, studying has the consequence of a better grade. The consequence of telling someone what you want is that the person has a better idea of what you like and need. In parenting, the term consequence usually means someone did something wrong. But in any context a consequence has a direct result to an action. For children, every consequence, good or bad, is an opportunity to learn.
There are two types of consequences - Natural Consequences and Logical Consequences. Both types are common and part of everyday life, but knowing and understanding the difference can be useful for parents!
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are when the child performs an action and consequences requires no intervention on the part of the parent. This type of consequence is often preferable. It allows the child to experience the world as it is and provides the most authentic learning for the child. Children are constantly learning about responsibility and will make choices based on their lived experiences. What do natural consequences look like? If a child refuses to eat dinner, the child will be hungry by bedtime. If the child yells at their friend, that friend will no longer want to play with them. The child didn’t study for a test, so they get a poor grade and possibly have to retake it. The consequence requires no action from the parent and is a natural part of the situation.
Logical Consequences
Logical Consequences are when a parent predetermines the consequence because a natural consequence is unsafe or unreasonable. For example, the natural consequence for playing in the street is to be hit by a car. That is unsafe, so the parent would put in place the consequence of playing only in the backyard or inside. If the child throws food at the table, the consequence for the child is likely enjoyment. That consequence is unacceptable as there will also be a giant mess and it is poor manners. Therefore, the logical consequence is that the meal is over for the child. Logical consequences are often used when a natural consequence is unavailable or unacceptable for the parent.
Why are Natural Consequences Preferable to Logical Consequences?
In situations where natural consequences don’t work, a child usually requires support in their learning process. That is a very kind way of saying they did something wrong. When this happens, it also means that a parent’s emotions are likely flaring. When emotions flare, the parent is not always thinking clearly. We have all done something, said something, or thought something when we were filled with emotions that we regretted. When cooler heads prevailed, we realized that we were wrong. No matter how clear we may believe our thoughts to be, emotions make things cloudy. It’s the worst.
So, when someone is in the thick of it with a child (or spouse) it is always a great plan to take a time out to calm down and think. There is no requirement for an immediate response, even during an argument or conversation. If one needs time to think, they should always take it. If an adult needs to vent, the child can first go to a place that is safe. Then the adult can call a spouse or a friend who’s parenting style they trust. They can get all the emotion out of the way and then think about the consequence.
Because the parents need to be the creators of logical consequences there are a few things to keep in mind.
The consequence needs to be directly related to a behavior and make sense.
This isn’t always easy to figure out! Remember that taking a break to think is a great plan. Ask yourself why was the child’s behavior wrong, and how do you teach them about the skill you want them to learn. If you can’t quite tell why it was wrong or you think “Because it is just wrong!”, be cautious. It could be that the behavior isn’t really wrong; you just may not like it. When in doubt, call another adult whose parenting you trust.
The child must completely understand the reason for the consequence and know how to avoid the consequences in the future.
This is why a break from the argument is so important. If the child is emotional, they will not fully understand the reason for the consequence. There also needs to be a kind, but firm, explanation of why the behavior was unacceptable and what the desired behavior is. That means the adult needs to be calm enough to explain it and tolerate questions that the child has. Sometimes this process needs to be done over time and with lots of breaks when emotions get big.
If the misbehavior can be foreseen, discuss the consequence in advance.
For example, if a child is getting a cell phone, discuss what will happen if they misuse it before it becomes an issue. If you are assigning chores for the week, make sure that everyone understands what will happen if they do not do the chore, or do it poorly. For teenagers (and some tweens) contracts are a great idea. Outline what the child needs to do and what the possible consequences are. Better yet, have them help you draft the contract! That way they are involved from the get go and understand what they need to do to avoid negative consequences.
A note about negative consequences:
Watching your child suffer through an aversive consequence can be painful. Parents are often working to shelter their children from situations that cause them pain. It is important to recognize when the lesson is necessary. If parents constantly ‘save' their children from harsh reality, the child will not know how to handle similar situations when they are adults. It is better to have the child learn about consequences when you are there to provide emotional support and the lessons are smaller. This is important when the consequence is natural or logical.
Remember your child is learning about the world and about themselves. They have to build resiliency and tolerance for when they make poor choices.
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